10
May
2008
dear lord
i speak to you now with a heart filled with so much
heaviness. a cloud filled day.
i long to persevere…. and am tired
i feel unequipped. i am not great. all this is new to me.
i do long to capture each teachable moment of the lives of my children
to send them into this world grounded in the knowledge of you,
with strength of fine man and gentleness to care!
-i feel overwhelmed by all my jobs
they are too much:
to provide. to be there whenever they need me. to teach and train. to keep our house, manage our home.
to be the one that they can count on to take us through life storms
to be the one who can answer the questions of their souls:
what makes a man a man? do they really pray?
how do i manage stress?.. is there a way beyond simply hiding or shifting from it?
what is happiness?.. must i always be? what do i need to stay there? can it be exist within my own self?
is courage fearlessness?.. or the ability to walk over my fear?
what is failure? …..what does it say about me..anything?
how do i swerve free of addiction problems in this minefield i live? even the church finds it defeating.
what is a woman?.. how do i treat one?.. what do i expect of one?.. what is beauty?… does she define me?
……the messages outside of our home, mom, are confusing. and they dont seem proven.
i need help.
strength in my soul. it is weary..
my world is filled more work that must be done than i could ever do
with hopelessness
and voices that tell me to :
survive, not thrive
to care for yourself and not give too much away
to grab and horde instead of give to those even needier than me
how can it be that if i pour myself out
that there is any left for me?
how can i mother when they see every inch of all of me? my tears and fears are open before my beautiful children
how can i teach them to be strong when i my self am weak?
with love i give
my inadequate self
my beaten hope
my weary soul
my fear and confusion
my longing heart
my needs
lay all my anxious thoughts down
asking God to provide when there seems no way for provision
i dwell upon all that is good
i feel the clouds break!
i feel peace come over me
even though a storm surrounds me
like a babe on my hip
i cling to You
and find comfort as i touch you despite the thunder
i focus on your strong caring arms
and the lightning does not scare me
in your arms i am filled with your peace
and with your peace i parent
the children on my hip
when they see my fear
i show them how i hold on to you and am made strong
and i can do all thing through you who makes me strong
and the questions are answered
and the ways are shown
authenticity is what you need from me
to be the parent you call me to be
grace is the place where i can give
with my children in tow, they are everywhere i go
yet not give myself away
for we find it, together.
this true foundation we build our home on
my clouds are now sunshine
in my work, You give me rest. You make me able
my hope exists. it cannot be shaken.
my faith grows. and i thirst for more
and love flows. as i give i receive.
even the voices around me see.
that somehow my God has broken the clouds for me.
thank you lord, for making good on your promises
for making good out of bad
cracks in stone
filling in the voids
giving value to the hidden job of a woman
who supports
supported by you
i will seek You
May
2008
