30
Jan
2010
Jan
2010
Quite often i see life as a sport where love is the action, every moment like a ball thrown our way for us to practice the art of loving without agenda.
Jessie is in my life one of those wonderful moments, lived on.
I was total “koolaid mom”, lived on a block in suburbia in a 1920′s bungalow with charm all its own, its wooden red door always open for the neighborhood kids to become family with my 3 boys. We had tons of fun: made those tents from blankets and chairs on rainy days, ran around outside with sticks on all days, played baseball in the neighbors yard on nicer days and made stuff from playdough on special days. I made lots and lots of plates of grilled cheese sandwiches and swept lots and lots of crumbs.
Jessie is the only girl on the block, a couple years older than the crowd of elementary school boys; mostly happy that her super high energy and, in her teen girl mind, menacing little brother, was always at my place. She lived at first with both parents, then mom, then grandma, then dad. Troubles in her home the same as many folks encounter, her parents needing to leave home to take focused care of themselves at times. My heart had a desire to help whomever, whenever, as i could. Love as i had practiced so far.
One day Jess, then in middle school, left her home upset, high emotion and the family changes are a large load to bear on a 7th grade girl. She came to live with us. My husband agreed, my boys agreed and Jessies parents agreed that this healing space could help everyone. Agreement was important. And so she stayed 
The “love and hopes and dreams” part of in me was sooo excited! A chance to help and to love this princess. Jessie is a strong, socially gifted, leader; beautiful inside and out girl. She is speaks her mind, makes her moves, and fights her fights. She touches hearts, loves deeply and gets mad. She has the most gorgeous curly shiny blonde hair and attractive athletic build. I want her to grow into seeing all this and finding a true purpose for it all.
The logical “engineer” part of me thinks thru the logistics-how are we going to make the dream happen for everyone? Does my family really understand what this means in terms of sacrifice? Will I ruin my relationship with Jessies parents in the long run? Do we have enough bathrooms and bedrooms?
The “perfectionist” in me wonders if I will fail, this is the real fear.
What if I cant love her correctly? What does this even mean? What does she need and can i give it to her and my family too? If i cant juggle this all i will prove that i am actually selfish and horrid and so this is a risk for me. –This is where my learning to love with Jessie begins.
Thus far I have loved her as it suited me, letting her enter my life as it fit rather well: watching the boys run around with sticks, cooking and doing some homework, telling her she is pretty. These things fit very well into my agenda –and that is a perfect step one.
One question stuck in my mind:
how do i love her freely and then let her go without ruining my own heart?
if i could not do this, then i would hold to tight and harm everyone; this as some justification for the real issue, if i am honest:
would i damage my heart?
This moment could teach me to love or prove me unable, will i attempt to enter the moment?
or find reason to “fake injury” or “cry foul” and not enter this moment?
and who would know if opted out?
