Lucky for me i make my decisions based on my dreamer parts and get there using my engineer parts. First why, then how. Otherwise we lock dreams in reality and only read about them as stories.
When we adults opt out of important moments in the lives of kids, we rob them, their kids, and ourselves; we are fools to think anything is unseen.
So, the fun began with Jessie in our home.
My oldest son shared his solo bedroom. He no longer sat in the front seat of the car, Jessie did. He had someone older to watch older kid movies with. Sometimes they shared friends and play sports at a more mature level. He moved his role in the family as first born, to some extent. I dont think it was so easy for him. He listened to a LOT more talking than his brothers did. He listened to talking about bad hair days and feeling fat days. He helped her with math. She tells him he is smart, she is very expressive. He learns how to empathize and relate with well chosen words.
I observe kids “loving without agenda” better than adults. These kids did not chose their life thus far, they can barely understand their own emotions, cannot explain love and have not had perfect examples of it. But, they seem to be able to do it, in a dovetailed way…they each gave, based on the need of all for each moment. however, too much pressure could make them rebel from the whole program, i could sense as i watched over.
The younger boys have a new babysitter, always better than your own sibling for some reason. Jessie helped them learn to swim and comb their hair. She helped drew not be afraid of flushing our very loud old toilet that always overflowed. She laughs a lot, having learned to create calm in the midst of chaos, and so they trust her even though they get annoyed at being told to comb their hair and get off the computer.
My husband, a busy professional, has great acceptance of her. I wasnt sure how he would react to the new bathroom clutter and girl drama. He took her on family vacations without blinking an eye. He let her drive our car when that day came. We took her out to our regular sushi restaurant where the server asked us: where did you get that daughter? Jess is blonde, tall and thin. We are not.
I was being called mom. I went to cheerleading parent meetings. I shared clothing and makeup. I never had a sister or lived with girls. I learned about hair straightening and teepee’ing houses with cheer squad. Suddenly i had a daughter.
Jess had moved into a busy crowded home with much less free space. She came into a family unit from the outside, i cant really imagine what that would be like. underneath all of her positivity she must wonder about her worth, her self, her loveability? maybe this comes out in the form of ” i feel fat” or ” i hate my hair” conversations? We talked a lot. At first I didnt know what to say or how to help and listened to my heart which said ” just listen” dont fix. She just wants to be heard, valued and cared for. everyone else has answers. i listened, did try to get her to hear her own emotion, i know as a woman we need to mature enough to control them or we cause pain.
I didnt do it perfect. But I had faced my fear. My fear of heart damage. I guess I had just needed to let it go for a while. I knew that I have a high intimacy capacity which can fault into being too involved, or in psyc terms: enmeshed, with whom i care for. I feel deeply, and cry a lot. This can be too much for others. i dont have a pet because i dont want to get to attached to something i will need to let go. unnecessary heartbreak. this is not real love actually, and it is dangerous. loving Jessie meant that I would need to immediately pour full love and acceptance of all her parts, that had no agenda, no strings, no grades, no pictured outcome, no promise of health or damage, no happy ending; if i was to happily return her to her parents on day. I did still fear the heart break that day would bring.
All preplanned steps of love in packages were broken, revealing for me a new and better way:
My everyday agenda to my family would be to give love, and this love must have no agenda, to be love.
I did learn that i am both capable of loving and horrid and selfish. i was not able to be a snow white mom day in and day out. I had feared that this would ruin the kids, but they already loved us adults without agenda and i simply discovered so. Kids need honest humility and apology to bring this full circle, of course. Loving without agenda creates a space of grace in which this honesty and love can do its full work in our lives. Since the kids could accept me as ‘not snow white’ mom, i could accept me too, and i could love them with more of me not held back, and cycle of love without agenda is in constant learning motion.
That scary day of Jess moving on did come. She went to college and i had to move out of the bungalow. On her graduation day i sat in the background and her parents sat in the place of mom and dad, although divorced. I was so happy to see her and her mom be restored that i forgot about my broken heart, or the american eagle jacket with the fur collar that i wanted back. She is getting her masters in social work with a focus on elementary school kids. Maybe one day i can babysit and teach her kids to flush the toilet.
